Inspired by another interesting article on BPD Family, I have decided to share some insight into why I behaved the way I did in previous romantic relationships.
It’s funny that my non-borderline partners feel like they are under attack because I feel the same way. A lot of what I have done, I did in self-defense to protect myself from some perceived threat. I’ll be the first to step up to the confessional and admit that what I did was irrational. Here are several behaviors I have displayed in romantic relationships and the reasoning behind them:
- Broken a gift you gave me, on purpose. I did this because sometimes I get filled with a rage that is hard to control. You may have hurt my feelings, when I’m upset I get destructive. Weird as it sounds, destroying things you give me hurts my feelings too. I may have felt a strong sense of self-hatred and may have desired to inflict some emotional pain on myself too.
- Crushed on and flirted with several other people at a time. I have a short attention span and people intrigue me. I’m not planning to hook-up with any of them so what’s the problem? I love you, you know that.
- Said some of the most cut throat things you’ve ever heard. I felt hurt and I was retaliating, I am used to chaos and things were just too smooth, or I am playing mind games to see if you really love me.
- Talked about suicide even though I know if hurts you. I feel such angst and depression that sometimes it seems like the only option. It’s nothing personal, and most things you’ll try do to cheer me up simply won’t work.
- Pulled a jekyll and hyde. I have rapid mood swings and with them come personality changes. I may not remember how I felt before the mood swing and may even contradict myself several times. I need some more therapy, there is nothing you can do about this.
- Pushed you away then pulled you right back. I am still learning to trust you, it takes time so be patient. I am expecting to be hurt and, when I get to close, my fear of losing you causes me to unconsciously sabotage the relationship. I may also be splitting you which means you are either amazing or you totally suck.
- Started an argument out of nowhere. I either felt hurt by something you did (probably unintentional) or things are just going too smoothly and I need to rock the boat. Relationships can’t be this smooth, there must be something wrong. Somehow harmony seems to take the passion out of the relationship and it can get a bit boring too.
What about you? What have you done and why?
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That was THE article. Very realistic as a recognize myself in every single words. That is precisely what having BPD inflicts to a relationship. It takes a lot of love and sometimes abnegation from partners to stick around. But, the more we get to understand what is happening, the more we do gain some empowerment over our actions, our behavior. And, there is a very beautiful side that comes along with having BPD…We are capable, in our own unique way, of experiencing the deepest most sincere love ever.
It does take a lot of love from a partner. Finding the right partner is key! I always try to explain to them why I did what I did too. Borderline love is pretty intense, your right.
I am a non bp, I am married to a bp, same sex relationship…she was diagnos w bpd several months…at this moment all these things are happening, even to the point I have to hide money..I join support group, read books even been educating self so I will not create triggers for her…however she admitted to me she had a homicidal ideation of me, and right after wanted to get a tattoo, left me with this twilight zone feeling inside, that I at this time, don’t know if its healthy to stay or not to stay..she appears to be manic this week especially when I go to work, then the weekend seems fine, Sunday night bck to punishment..or the hate you please don’t leave me alone…I think what you wrote and how you took responsibilty to admitt reason, is brave of you..it shows your strength and it help me with what’s real and what’s not..thank you
I know it can be hard. Your partner needs to get treatment because she can get better. It was a bit challenging to write this post and I appreciate your feedback.
This made me cry. I showed it to my girlfriend to show her I’m not the only borderline who does this. It’s who we are, it’s how we live. It’s so painful but it’s all we know, and in that we take comfort.
Aw. I’m glad I can make you feel like your not alone. A better life and healthy behaviors are possible with treatment.
This would be a good article for my guest blog. Could you beef it up with some examples and even more insight?
Sure Randi! Do you mean examples of behaviors?
A nice article., thanks for sharing their stuff with us.Faucets
Stephanie, did you write this? Can I use it as a guest blog on my own Psychology Today blog?